“Call it Istanbul (not Constantinople)” – Jimmy Kennedy
So, I happened upon this old article found at the Den of Geek.
(Sidebar: What would a fella like ME be doing in a place like THAT? Hmm…)
You’ll see a list of movie sequels there that have come out or are scheduled to come out soon.
Am I the only person annoyed at the lack of originality this decade? It seems to me that film, music and television have really taken it in the shorts more than ever as far as quality goes.
Music has a lot of those phony-baloney hipsters who all sound the same. TV has been hurt the most in the sitcom area. I can’t believe that enough people watch 2 ½ Men to keep it on the air. I just don’t get it.
The worst of these is the movies, of course. There has been a share of good stuff, sure. But just think about all of the shit that has come out in the last few years. Sequels, remakes and my personal favorite… re-imaginations. What the fuck is a re-imagination? I’m going to take your original idea and change things, thereby making it my idea. Is it possible to sit back and accept accolades (not that there would be any) for something that you didn’t even come up with? For instance, did Planet of the Apes REALLY need to be redone? And to no surprise of mine, it sucked out loud. There aren’t many films that make me want to drop my pants and run around the theater in disgust. That one did it.
(Sidebar: How many of you are thankful that you weren’t there seeing it with me?)
I think I may make a movie about a family during the Dust Bowl and call it “The Grapes of Wrath-eroy”. You’ll love it.
One movie (from those listed) that made me do a double take was National Treasure 3. Are you kidding me? I was astounded that anyone would want to see the first one.
“On the back… of the Declaration… of Independence.”
How many more times did you want to hear that line from the ads?
You may wonder why I would be critical of a series that I’ve never seen. Well, you should know that I HAVE seen it. In my regular NIGHTMARES! (Along with spiders, clowns and Hasslehoff). Nick Cage has stunk for so long now. Other than Adaptation, I don’t think he was good since Leaving Las Vegas.
Here are some more sequels that have come out, or are supposed to come out:
Rambo – Really?
Indiana Jones – Awful. Oh I hated it with a passion.
The Mummy
Saw 5 – 5?? I missed insulting 4??
Hellboy 2
X-Files
Terminator – I may prefer it if they cut in Christian Bale’s rant in the movie somehow.
Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants – Embarrassed that I know this. Before you know it, I’ll let you know when the Gilmore Girls movie is coming out.
Transformers – A Pomeroy rule: If Michael Bay makes it, it will most likely never be seen by me.
Ocean’s 13 – Give me a break.
Spider Man 3
Shrek 3 – With all that’s good and holy, I fucking hate Shrek.
Fantastic Four 2
Rush Hour 3
Pirates of the Caribbean 3 – Yeeeecccch!
Bourne Ultimatum
Evan Almighty – MAKE me.
Live Free or Die Hard – Series totally dying hard.
And let’s not forget the Potter films. How old is that cast going to be by the time the 7th movie comes out? I think that they should consider having Daniel Radcliffe grow a full beard for the last film.
They’ll probably still want to make an 8th film, knowing them. Maybe I’ll throw my name in the hat for the lead. They could call it “Gangly Pom-roy and the Goblet of Swedish Fish”.
The poster for it could have Lord Voldemort shooting a lightning bolt under my ass.
“Yeeeeeeouch!!”
And finally you have the remake. Can you believe how many there have been? Especially in the horror genre. And almost all of them did NOT need to be made. Observe:
Alfie – Why?
The Omen – Why?
The Stepford Wives – Why?
The Amityville Horror – Why?
Mr. Deeds – A-whoop-i-dee-DOOO! (In Sandler voice).
The Longest Yard – I never thought I’d say you can’t remake a Burt Reynolds movie. Oh, and A-whoop-i-dee-DOO again!
Shaft – Sacrilege!
Black Christmas
Carrie – Why?
Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Last House on the Left – The first was a creepy remake, and it certainly didn’t need to be remade AGAIN. Wes Craven doesn’t need help.
Bad News Bears
Dawn of the Dead – I admit… I liked it. But don’t you dare compare it with Romero.
The Fog – John Carpenter doesn’t need help.
Halloween – John Carpenter doesn’t need help.
Escape From New York – John Carpenter doesn’t need help, and this is one of my all time favorites. Although, John Carpenter needed A LOT of help for making Escape From L.A. (You can find that on my worst sequels ever list, to come out later).
Friday the 13th
House of Wax
Wicker Man – Hello again, Nick Cage.
The Invasion
Walking Tall – Puh-LEASE.
The Hills Have Eyes 1 & 2 – Wes Craven doesn’t need help.
When a Stranger Calls
Prom Night
The Hitcher
Willard – Actually not bad.
The Manchurian Candidate – Why?
The Birds – WWHHHHYYYYY?!?! Why fuck with Hitchcock???
Rollerball – Que?
Poseidon
The Taking of Pelham 1-2-3 – John Travolta is the only actor I can think of along with Nick Cage that is throwing his solid early work to the wind for the worst shit ever recently. Also, why does this need to be remade?
The Day the Earth Stood Still – Keanu Reeves… need I say more?
King Kong – Why? And, BLEEEEECCCCCCCHHHHHHH!!!!
Fahrenheit 451
Charlie and the Chocolate Factory – Ok, Depp is human I guess.
The Ladykillers – Pomeroy rule # 2 – Coen Brothers always get a pass, and this wasn’t bad.
The Evil Dead – More sacrilege… but since Raimi’s involved, I won’t kill it yet. YET.
I know that Hollywood is all about business. And that’s what sucks the most. Film is art, and should be made by artists. I have a belief that if you make good product.. you will get money for it.
Mel Brooks had balls when he gave The Elephant Man to the then-unknown David Lynch to make. He recognized that Lynch was truly an artist and visionary (after seeing Eraserhead) and he made a great movie.
I’m so thankful for independent film. It seems to be the only venue left for original ideas, and celebrity doesn’t drive it. I was hoping that after the Oscars after 1996 (when 4 out of 5 of best picture nominees were “independent”) that Hollywood would wake up. How’d that work out?
By the way, this blog is actually a remake from one of my first blogs back in 2008. Maybe I should have called it “Istanbul Part 2”.
The Bourne series is actually quite good. I hope they leave it at 3.
As for Harry Potter, not sure if you know this, but the last book is being made into two movies, so there will be eight total. Happy Happy Joy Joy! My daughter and wife are huge fans, so I best leave my comments at that . . .
Want to see perhaps the best “indie” film of the year? Check out The Visitor. Amazingly original . . .
tysdaddy
May 18, 2009
I like the Bourne series too. I have some problems with it, but for the most part I like it alot.
I didn’t know that about Deathly Hallows. I liked the books alot… more than I expected. I think the movies are watchable, but maybe better for my kids when they grow up.
I will check out The Visitor. I’ll let you know what I think..
Pomeroy!
May 19, 2009
Fuck Michael Bay.
vonKamrath
May 18, 2009
Well said, sir. Well said.
Pomeroy!
May 19, 2009
I think Pelham 1-2-3 has been done 3 times now.
The kids aren’t playing on Originality Street anymore, I guess.
What’s your take on StarTrek? enquiring minds would like to know.
planetross
May 18, 2009
Has it? And here I thought it was only done once.
You know… I really liked the new Star Trek alot. I thought I was going to at best dislike it. But I was pleasantly surprised. I have some problems with it… but for the most part I liked the cast and it was an enjoyable watch. I’m looking forward to seeing it again.
What did you think?
Pomeroy!
May 19, 2009
They’ve GOT to make re-makes, because the lousy old actors (before special effects) were so lame they couldn’t carry a movie, right? Right?
I KNOW WRONG, FUCKERS!!
I’m happy there’s someone that hates 2 1/2 men, too. My step-dad watches it all the time and I think I’ve seen every episode (I’m NOT proud of that). His Bonanza and Gunsmoke are much better on my pallet (did I spell that right?).
Nonuts
May 18, 2009
I’m proud to tell you that I haven’t even watched past 1 joke of 2 1/2 Men. Sitcom with Charlie Sheen loses me right out of the gate… but then I had that macabre idea to turn it on for a second. Sitcoms just suck now.
Pomeroy!
May 19, 2009
Remakes have been a Hollywood tradition since the advent of talkies…how many times have they redone “A Star Is Born”?
Grimmy
May 19, 2009
I think it was done 3 times, right?
I’ll take the Kristofferson version myself.
(Did I just say that out loud?)
Pomeroy!
May 19, 2009
first of all, art like beauty and everything else is in the eye of the beholder. second, movies were never about art, its always been a business like every other business in the world.
with all that said, what actors do you like? do you think tom cruise is anygood? personally, i hate tom cruise! but i wouldnt sit here and say that “born on the fourth of july” wasnt a good movie because it was awesome and cruise made it awesome as he’s done with alot of his movies. but again, its all opinion.
what surprises me about the movie business is how some movies ever get made at all. for instance… “killer clowns from outer space”, now who was it that said… “if we make this clown movie we’ll never have to work again”!!
some movie scripts have got to be obviously bad. i mean, all ya gotta do is read it and you’ll know, so who was it that DIDNT read the “killer clowns” script? and did this asshole continue working at the studio after that bomb was released?
music and t.v., same thing.
but if your gonna harp on t.v. you have to talk about reality shows. now they truly suck. i watch a few of them, deadliest catch, ax men, and cops. but even though i watch them too, i hate reality shows.
everytime i walk in the door, my wife is always watching this one called, “real housewives of new jersey”. to be honest with you, the entire state of new jersey could disappear tomorrow and i wouldnt bat an eye, so to think that some “real housewives” have a t.v. show and i dont makes me sick. and i have tried watching it with her, its horrible, the worst show i have ever seen.
but, to my wife’s eye… “real housewives” is art!
rob mccafferty
May 19, 2009
Some good points, Rob.
Obviously, the movie business is a business… if they don’t make money, who would spend so much to make them. But I would like to see the business people run the business side of it… and let artists make the work! I think you would see an improvement of quality in the shit that comes out.
I think Tom Cruise generally stinks as an actor. I’ve thought this a long time.. even before he went kookoo.
But I think he can be cast well (Rain Man, The Firm) or can once in a while be good (Magnolia). At this point I wish he’d go away. Unless he’d be willing to be in a sequel of Killer Clowns…
My wife also likes the Real Housewives shows. I can’t make too much fun… I watch Project Runway.
(Did I just say that out loud?)
Pomeroy!
May 23, 2009
Escape From L.A. on the worst sequels ever list? Aw come on, you have to admit that jumping from to moving car to catch a tidal wave surging through a junkscape was amazing……
Just kidding!
It blew….
chunks!
I bet we’ll never see a remake of “Battleship earth”. It’s the worst film I’ve ever seen. It was even worse than “Santa Claus Conquers the Martians”.
razzbuffnik
May 21, 2009
Ooops! I meant “Battlefield Earth”
razzbuffnik
May 21, 2009
I know! What an awful scene. And the high five on the surfboards? What the fuck??!!
I haven’t even tried Battlefield Earth. I have to say, I am sick of Travolta and I think it’s funny to think of him dressing up like that for nothing.
Pomeroy!
May 23, 2009
Bad News Bears was remade? I missed that one! I’d better reactivate my NetFlix account.
jeanhasbeenshopping
May 23, 2009
I wouldn’t calling it “missing it,” Jean.
Pomeroy!
May 23, 2009
dude, you stole my blog idea… when I saw that they were making a Star Trek movie (and not a cool one like Wrath of Kahn) I thought, have people run out of original ideas?? am I mistaken, or did you miss the whole Terminator saga??
litamoreno
May 23, 2009
p.s. when you get the 411 on the Gilmore Girls Movie, let me know, I’m dying to see if Luke and Loreli get married or what..
litamoreno
May 23, 2009
The new Star Trek was surprisingly good… at least, to me. And I didn’t even mention the Terminator saga which should have stopped at the first one.
So, you don’t even care about Dean, Jess or Logan?
Pomeroy!
May 23, 2009
harry potter has not aged well.
aniche
May 23, 2009
I couldn’t agree more.
I’m already looking for the scandalous date he ends up on.
Pomeroy!
May 25, 2009
Did Pomeroy say “Project Runway”??? That’s the only thing I’ve seen mentioned above…well, almost the only thing! But, Runway? Oh, yeah! The challenges.. where they HAVE to go in the Hershey Candy Store? C’mon…it’s your favorite, has to be. My favorite was fashions made from trash AND the vegetable store!
w1kkp
May 25, 2009
I agree… the trash episode was great. But it’s tough to beat chocolate in my book.
Meanwhile, I just want to doublecheck… am I openly discussing Project Runway?
Pomeroy!
May 27, 2009
Yes, you are talking about Project Runway. It’s a creative show: something from nothing. It’s better than banter about those Housewives shows…honestly, I think shows like that may bring the republic down because we see how meaningless lives can be in the land of the free. It gives abundance a bad rap. The result: nothing from something.
w1kkp
May 29, 2009
I should come clean, Pat… I have a man-crush on Tim Gunn.
Pomeroy!
July 3, 2009
The only one of those I’ve seen is the remake of “The Day the Earth Stood Still”. It had been fucking YEARS since I yelled “Fucking what?” alone in the living room. I’m a huge fan of the first one and I can not convey the hurt I felt when Michael Renney was so badly humiliated. May he rest in peace.
Crosseyed MOFO Incognito
May 29, 2009
I LOVED the first movie too, Mike.
What happened to Michael Rennie??
Pomeroy!
July 3, 2009
I’m waiting for the sequel to this blog. By the way, you forgot the masterpiece coming out soon: Chipmunks 2: The Sqeakuel. Worst. movie. title. ever.
hearts roses
May 30, 2009
The Squeakel? Is that real?
Yecccccccch!
Pomeroy!
July 3, 2009
Yeah I haven’t actually gone to see a movie for 10 years…
I’d rather watch something at home. It’s less depressing spending $3 than $10.
Stacy
June 30, 2009
I only watch the important ones in the theater now. That is, when I can get a babysitter. Otherwise, it’s all about Barbie.
Pomeroy!
July 3, 2009
I’m with you on this one, I guess one of the rare sequels I coud stand was Luc Besson’s Taxi, though probably because I did not think much of it in the first place.
One more thought – what is worse than a Hollywood remake? Hollywood remake of a good European film. Take Wenders’ Wings of desire and compare it to City of Angels. I mean what the….
Starring one of your usual suspects – Nicholas Cage.
grasswire
July 29, 2009