“Tonight the Great Pumpkin will rise out of the pumpkin patch” –Linus Van Pelt

“So, how many root canals have YOU had?”

If I were still single, I may have actually used that as a pickup line. I’m guessing that may be part of the reason why I was the worst at meeting women.

I may as well have asked “Do you read comic books around here often?” Or how about “I’ll take you ANYWHERE you want to go, as long as they have a kids menu”.

Hey…At least I can brag that you get what you pay for with me. No hidden agendas. Although, I do have many ridiculous agendas. But that’s a different story. It’s just Pom-roy being Pom-roy.

In case you’re curious, I’ll answer the opening question for you. To date, I’ve had 5 root canals. So far, my closest competition was this girl I talked to who had 3. If she ever gets to 4, I may start to get nervous. I’ll have to pull out the big guns to go for number 6:

(So THAT’S his secret)

I’ve had a lot of dental work, to say the least. I’ve always been a decent brusher. But I never got behind the whole ‘flossing’ thing until recently. In retrospect, that was a mistake on my part. I have had more cavities than I’ve had teeth I think. I have filled cavities in teeth that I don’t even HAVE anymore. (That was money well spent).

One of my favorite memories was during my cavity-ridden heyday, circa the late 80’s. My dentist who knew me in every way but biblically retired. So this young hotshot from California came in to take over my workload.
(Sidebar: I had so much work I needed back then, they had to map it out! I saw it once…it looked like a schematic for a fucking nuclear bomb).

Well, after a few rounds with me he finally conceded that I was his toughest adversary. I was like Bill Murray in Little Shop of Horrors:

During one of our appointments, I actually kept falling asleep while he was drilling. He and his assistant were getting irritated having to nudge my shoulder to wake me up every 5 minutes. They had to wake me to leave after they were done! He couldn’t even look at me when I left.

I never knew what happened to him after we were done. I wish I did… I’d love to send him a picture of myself for his hall of fame.

Two of my root canals were for my two front teeth. (NO Christmas song jokes please). So, I had no idea that I ended up having big holes in the back of them, because I couldn’t feel anything. Then one morning one of them fell into my Rice Krispies! I knew something fell in… but I wasn’t sure what it was. Until I looked at myself in the mirror, that is. I looked like a fucking jack-o-lantern!

I was the Great Pumpkin-roy.

Fortunately for me, this is when I met my current dentist. He replaced both of my front teeth with mastery. I actually like these fake teeth better than my real ones! I used to have the Freddie Mercury look.

But WITHOUT that amazing voice.

(Sidebar: I don’t even sing to myself in the car… it’s that bad).

The happy ending to this story is that I’ve learned my lesson in my 30’s. No cavities in a long time. I floss now, and I’m getting stellar reviews from the hygienist as well.

And it’s all because of my dreamboat dentist. He’s the new man in my life.

Oh, and that pickup line worked out JUST fine with him.

*wink*