“Life’s a laugh and death’s a joke it’s true” – Eric Idle

*This blog is a retread- Read at your own risk (Of thinking I’m unoriginal) Also, If you’re easily offended, please go back to the Skittles blog. Thank you for listening my speech*

I don’t dig on wakes. 

I don’t care for the whole concept of death either, to be honest. Whatever your belief system is I’d guess the majority of us believe that our bodies are shells for our souls. Some believe when we die our soul goes somewhere… others believe our soul goes nowhere. I’m an Agnostic, so by definition I’m thinking my soul has a one way ticket to Nowheresville. But betwixt us I secretly hope the soul ends up at the Ghiradelli Chocolate factory. Now they have peanut butter squares… mmmmm…

I have a little quick trivia tidbit for you about my profile picture. I remember talking with someone I used to work with, and she asked me what I’d want my last words to be. I told her that I’d want them to be something like: “Oh my GOD! WHAT is THAT?!”

Because really, wouldn’t it be something to be killed by something that’s never been seen? That would be my preference. Unless it copulated with me to death, that is.

Anyhoo, when I made that picture I was trying to make it seem I was being attacked by aliens: 

It would be a historic death, and really funny as far as I’m concerned. 

In reality however, this is probably how I’ll be found deceased: 

(Well, at least I got rid of those accursed yellows & greens first)

But to get waked seems to make the whole thing a worse experience to me. I’ve been to sad wakes (Died too young) and happy wakes (Lived long, and happened to be Irish). But all of them have the ultimate white elephant in the room… a corpse! It’s really hard to talk to someone with a dead body in the room. It is for me, at least.

I told the wife that I do NOT want to be waked. Luckily for me she’s ok with that. If she wasn’t ok with it, I confirmed with her how I’d want to be waked. I’d want to be stood up in the corner of the room, wearing a party hat. Then I’d request that my teeth were applied with Vaseline and my arm and hand be bent up in the “Thumbs up”position. Something like this:

This way, I’d feel like I was part of the gathering. Other than one’s wedding, how else can you get all of your pals together in one night?

You could even play some games for evening, like ‘Pin the Tail on the Dead Guy’ as an example.
(Sidebar: Please…not in the tail)

I’d like to be able to fit in an ashtray after I’m gone. If people want to come look at that, have at it. I don’t want to be buried at all. I like cemeteries for nice walks and photography. That’s about it.

Another idea that I had for my sendoff was to have the wife to bring my body out on a whale watch. Put me in a wheelchair (ala: Weekend at Bernie’s), and when nobody’s looking… dump me right over the side! Thirty-eight bucks for a full funeral, that sounds perfect to me.

The best part is, that i’ll probably die before anyone reads this. See you on the high seas, Captain!